Toy Tinkers
by Andithiel
Summary: The question is if there's a detention hard enough to make up for what Harry and Draco have to suffer through. Content: Epilogue compliant, Not Cursed Child compliant, Dads!Drarry, mentions of adult toys and improper use of said toys


Written for Drarryland 2019  
Prompt: Harry and Draco are called in to see the headmaster. Their children have teamed up and are constantly causing trouble in prank form.  
Content: Epilogue compliant, Not Cursed Child compliant, Dads!Drarry, mentions of sex toys and improper use of said toys

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"Gentlemen, do you have any idea why I've called you here today?"

McGonagall's voice is friendly, but as always she has that unmistakable don't-fuck-with-me tone. Harry shifts in his seat, feeling like a schoolboy again, only there's no way he could be in trouble now, 22 years since he was last enrolled here.

"It is not often we feel the need to call in parents," McGonagall continues when she receives no answer. "However, these events are becoming more and more disruptive and so we felt the need to alert you both."

Harry glances over at Draco, hands folded in his lap, one leg slung over the other and his face schooled in the expression of a concerned parent. Harry resists rolling his eyes at the tosser.

"A week ago, we confiscated _these_ from your youngest child, Mr. Potter. She hid one of them in Flitwick's breast pocket and set it off during class, making him believe he had Jumping Pump disease."

Harry leans forward to look at what's lying in the cloth that McGonagall shows them, and he doesn't need to see Draco to know that his eyes are widened in shock.

"Those are…," Draco says, voice faint and higher pitched than normal.

"I know what they are," McGonagall snaps, "I'm merely surprised to find them in the care of a _twelve year old_."

Harry doesn't know what to say, he has no idea how Lily could have found the pleasure eggs securely tucked away in their special box disguised as work files.

"Then two days after, Kristina Dunderkatt and Maya Fawley from Albus' and Scorpius' year somehow got trapped in these. It took us hours to separate them," she continues, holding up a set of handcuffs, the fancy ones trimmed with satin. Harry chokes on his saliva.

"But the final straw came when Benedict Smith got _this_," she indicates a pink butplug, "Spellotaped to his forehead, to make him 'look like a unicorn'. James was riding him piggy back down the corridors, using _this_ to make him run faster," she says, holding up a whip.

Harry has a vivid image of his oldest son trying to get his classmate into a gallop, idly wondering if Benedict is as much of a git as his father.

"I'm not sure why you felt the need to call only us two here," Draco says. "The Potter children have a mother as well."

McGonagall gives him a stern look over the rim of her glasses.

"Do you really not see why, Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco reclines in his seat, muttering "Malfoy-Potter."

McGonagall's eyes soften. "Yes, of course, Mr. Malfoy-Potter." She clears her throat and puts on the Headmistress' face again. "I would think it was obvious why I felt the need to exclude Mr. Potter's-, Mr. Malfoy-Potter's-, _Harry's_ ex wife today as she's hardly involved in how your children got hold of these items."

"But those could be anyone's, you know how kids are," Harry tries. "James is fifteen, he could've gotten them from a Muggle sex-, I mean toy shop."

McGonagall raises an incredulous eyebrow at him as she takes the butplug gingerly between her fingers, holding it up with the inscription "property of Draco Malfoy-Potter" facing them.

"You know," Draco says in a voice that to anyone else would sound haughty, but Harry knows he only uses when he knows he's in the wrong and slightly embarrassed, "that has been properly cleaned both with spells _and_ Muggle disinfection, there's no need to hold it like it's covered in Bubotuber pus."

He's rewarded with a look from McGonagall that clearly says she doesn't particularly care about their cleaning routines, and that she doesn't much fancy holding a thing that has clearly been inside a former student.

"So, gentlemen," she says instead, "while I am happy that you seem to have a… healthy and… _flourishing_ intimate life," _Harry had no idea he could be this embarrassed_ "may I suggest you keep your... toys a little more securely. Frankly, I would trust _you_ to know a bit about trespassing detection charms," she says, eying Harry, "but I could show you a few powerful locking spells myself."

Harry quickly rises. "Thank you, Headmistress, that won't be necessary."

Draco carefully unfolds himself from his chair. "We will talk to the children," he says while Harry gives him an incredulous look. He would rather eat a live flobberworm than talk to their children about the proper use of sex toys.

"See that you do. And gentlemen," she says as they both reach the door to exit her office, "might I suggest a whip made of leather instead of this cheap plastic thing? I trust you have enough galleons between you to afford it. They're much sturdier."

Harry lets out a squeaking sound he had no idea he could make, barely registering Draco taking his hand and dragging him out of the office shouting "Thank you so much for the advice, Headmistress!"

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**A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! Comments are love and I'll reply to every signed review


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